Most leaders believe they are good listeners.

They make eye contact.
They nod.
They summarise.
They’ve even attended “active listening” training.

And yet… misunderstandings persist. Conversations escalate. People leave meetings feeling unheard, dismissed, or subtly shut down.

Why?

Because listening is rarely a technical skill problem.
It is an internal regulation problem.

When we don’t manage our inner world, we don’t listen with our ears, we listen with our triggers.

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What Triggered Listening Really Is

Triggered listening happens when your nervous system takes over the conversation.

Someone speaks but instead of hearing what is being said, your system scans for:

• Threat
• Judgment
• Disrespect
• Loss of control
• Loss of status

At that moment, the conversation is no longer happening in the room.
It’s happening inside you.

You’re responding to:

• Old experiences
• Unresolved insecurities
• A need to defend, fix, prove, or withdraw

And the more senior the leader, the more invisible this becomes because it often hides behind competence, authority, and confidence.

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Common Leadership Triggers That Distort Listening

In my work with senior leaders, certain patterns appear again and again.

Triggered listening often shows up as:

• Interrupting when feeling challenged
• Over-explaining when feeling misunderstood
• Defensiveness disguised as “clarifying”
• Detachment or silence when emotions feel uncomfortable
• Problem-solving too fast to avoid uncertainty

None of these are personality flaws.
They are protective responses.

Your nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed to do: keep you safe.

The problem is that psychological safety in leadership doesn’t come from protection, it comes from presence.

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Why This Matters More Than Ever in Leadership

Leadership today is relational, not transactional.

People don’t disengage because leaders lack answers.
They disengage because leaders lack capacity, the capacity to stay open when things feel tense, emotional, or ambiguous.

When a leader listens through their triggers:

• Feedback feels unsafe
• Dissent feels risky
• Innovation shuts down
• Trust erodes quietly

Teams learn very quickly what not to say even when leaders genuinely believe they are “open”.

Listening is not neutral.
It is felt.

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From Reactive to Regulated Listening

The shift is not about “trying harder” to listen.

It’s about developing self-awareness and emotional regulation.

Before you can truly hear another person, you need to notice:

• What’s happening in your body
• What emotions are being activated
• What story you’re telling yourself

Powerful listening starts with an internal pause.

Ask yourself:

• What just got triggered in me?
• What am I protecting right now?
• Is this response about the present or my past?

This is where leadership maturity lives.

Not in having fewer triggers but in being less driven by them.

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The Adult Self Listens Differently

From a psychological perspective, regulated listening comes from what we might call the Adult self, the part of us that can:

• Hold discomfort without reacting
• Stay curious instead of defensive
• Separate intent from impact
• Respond rather than react

When this part leads:

• The ego steps back
• The nervous system settles
• The conversation deepens

People feel seen, not managed. Heard, not handled and that is what builds trust.

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A Final Reflection for Leaders

If you want to deepen your leadership impact, don’t start with better questions.

Start with better self-management.

Because your team isn’t responding to your words alone they’re responding to your state.

And the most influential leaders are not the ones who speak the most,
but the ones who can stay present when it would be easier to protect themselves.

Leadership begins where self-awareness meets courage.

And listening, real listening begins inside.