I am done with death. A year ago today it was the start of hell. And I was still oblivious to what was going to follow. Now you are gone too. The circle is completed. You came into my life as a package deal but it wasn’t part of the deal that you will all leave at once… three losses in less than twelve months, is a bit much, don’t you think? I am still wondering what the purpose of this pain was and is … but have no doubts, I would do it all over again. Ten times over. I even wonder whether the last six years actually happened… or were they just a fiction of my imagination? But I have evidence… pictures of happy times … feelings of ugly times… even my body remembers… it has a magical way to record pain and remind you of dates… black anniversaries… I don’t need a bloody calendar notification. I feel it in my body. I cannot unknow what I now know, I am changed forever… I cannot delete images I have lived. They are there forever. And sometimes they come back in full Dolby surround system with all the feelings as if I am reliving it now over and over again.
Big waves of sadness and a huge void that hit you out of nowhere. I am afraid of the sea, I always was, and that’s why I am using this metaphor. Each wave slaps you, turns you around, you think you can’t breathe, you are out of control… you are upside down, but then it spits you out at the other end. The sorrow has not swallowed me. I am waiting for the waves now, and I am ready for them, and I go through them because I know that the next wave will have equipped me with more courage. Now I am done with death.
People see me smiling and functioning and may think ah she’s alright… and yes, I am. But at times I am not and that is ok. Two parallel worlds that are merging into one and are enriched with new life experiences.
I have suffered, I have learned and I have changed. I am not afraid of death anymore, definitely not of my own death and that is the most liberating feeling. I have learned to cherish every moment, to really live and feel, to not wait to celebrate and leave that unopened bottle of champagne in the fridge for a special occasion that may never come. I am grateful for what I have lived and I have learned that to die well you need to live well. So, carpe that fucking diem. This is not a rehearsal.