I am done with death. A year ago today it was the start of hell. And I was still oblivious to what was going to follow. Now you are gone too. The circle is completed. You came into my life as a package deal but it wasn’t part of the deal that you will all leave at once… three losses in less than twelve months, is a bit much, don’t you think? I am still wondering what the purpose of this pain was and is … but have no doubts, I would do it all over again. Ten times over. I even wonder whether the last six years actually happened… or were they just a fiction of my imagination? But I have evidence… pictures of happy times … feelings of ugly times… even my body remembers… it has a magical way to record pain and remind you of dates… black anniversaries… I don’t need a bloody calendar notification. I feel it in my body. I cannot unknow what I now know, I am changed forever… I cannot delete images I have lived. They are there forever. And sometimes they come back in full Dolby surround system with all the feelings as if I am reliving it now over and over again.

Big waves of sadness and a huge void that hit you out of nowhere. I am afraid of the sea, I always was, and that’s why I am using this metaphor. Each wave slaps you, turns you around, you think you can’t breathe, you are out of control… you are upside down, but then it spits you out at the other end. The sorrow has not swallowed me. I am waiting for the waves now, and I am ready for them, and I go through them because I know that the next wave will have equipped me with more courage. Now I am done with death.

People see me smiling and functioning and may think ah she’s alright… and yes, I am. But at times I am not and that is ok. Two parallel worlds that are merging into one and are enriched with new life experiences.

I have suffered, I have learned and I have changed. I am not afraid of death anymore, definitely not of my own death and that is the most liberating feeling. I have learned to cherish every moment, to really live and feel, to not wait to celebrate and leave that unopened bottle of champagne in the fridge for a special occasion that may never come. I am grateful for what I have lived and I have learned that to die well you need to live well. So, carpe that fucking diem. This is not a rehearsal.

18 Comments

  1. My dear maria..my ♥️ and soul are with you …the suffering you have endured within these last short months is horrendous ..the loss of my much loved younger brother and your husband and soul mate geoff it has and still is💔 heartbreaking for his sons jordan and jack and there beautiful families and partners of which all of us are having enormous difficulty coming to terms with of which we never will , but for you the heartbreak and suffering you have gone through …also the loss of yours and geoffs companions .Lance and Jojo who you both loved so much is tenfold of which my admiration for you is second to none…your love snd care you gave to him throughout his illness was unbelievable you attended to his every needs ..you felt all the pain he endured and cared and loved and comforted him throughout his entire illness …your love for him was so so great ….you showed such strength and determination ..even though your heart was breaking 💔 xMARIA MY LUV YOU WILL ALL-WAYS BE AN ANGEL TO ME …WILL LUV AND RESPECT YOU FOREVERMORE …BEV. geoffs heartbroken sister xx♥️♥️♥️♥️

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  2. your words touched my soul…..
    The three came together into your life enriching it and adding joy….but then all three left almost together draining your life and covering it with pain. I remember how you never liked the sea but it seems to me these “Life” waves are making you a strong swimmer. I pray Jojo’s departure was the end of your sorrows and that new exciting chapters will start to unfold before you. I love you more than you can ever know

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  3. Words can never express the experience you have been through, but that was a really good positive statement and yes keep going life is for living and Mr Geoff would have wanted that for you, We all love you and you are a pleasure to be around love Michelle (always here for you )

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  4. Your words are so expressive and describe unthinkable sadness, but also reflect strength, passion and a determination to live every moment.
    Sending warm wishes to you and your loved ones. X

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  5. Astounded by the depth of your message, impressed by your personal realizations, amazed by your disclosure Maria. Thank you for sharing these insights, thank you for giving us this food for thought. And yes, I do agree with you that it is ok not to be ok and it is ok to be vulnerable. It is not enough to “just” live our lives. As you very well said, we should “really live and feel”. It is not enough to live a reality. As I always say, we should create it. My warm wishes going forward Maria!

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